How do I show up to myself, for myself? … I think and feel, the culmination – after days and days of being unable to articulate to myself and this past week to my partner Mon – what the feeling of ‘being low in spirit’ means.
This past Friday, towards the end of back and forth text messaging, and having explained that I felt much better and upbeat again having shifted my focus into something else, after having metabolized difficult emotions, her last message to me was ‘where was your focus when you were feeling low’?
What a moment of perennial seedling. Where and what was I fully giving my attention to? I never got to answer that question and the conversation quickly moved into something else on my end, but quite honestly that was an implantation of a seed.
In my meditative state of being, where have I failed to show up to myself lately, through the labyrinth of things where have I left myself behind?
And the answer evidently points to a disconnect of mind, body and spirit showing up every day – manifesting in episodes of anxiety, discontent to presence, in un-forgiveness and un-kindness and non-nurturing towards self.
In retrospect, and in simple terms – I have denied myself through form of unconscious exercising an opportunity to smell the scents of daffodils that each morning brings. The resolve to choose and prioritize showing up for self before showing up to the world.
I am quite surprised, and even more so pleasantly perplexed at how, a life partner who is working through being a better version of herself through vulnerability, in talking about how her childhood trauma is showing up in her adulthood and how difficult that is to work through, can in the midst of her own ordeal turn into my night time and plant a seed of daffodils.